Shoebox Project Quotes

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Quotes from the Shoebox Project.

Part 1

  • "[The motorcycle] frightens the shit out of birds which you can imagine is exactly what I look for in a mode of transportation." - Sirius
  • "FUNNIFICATION IS NOT A WORD MOONY. Lack of structured education has made you go soft!! oh how the mighty have fallen!" - Sirius
  • "Repeat after me, Mr. Black: I do believe in commas. I do, I do." - Remus
  • "My tongue is very weird. Moony do you think my tongue's weird? I keep looking at it in the mirror and it is WEIRD, it's sort of POINTY. Right now it's especially weird from your devil candy which, you should know, caused me all manner of torment and despair. Even without the magenta stains and the burn mark though it's just a FUNNY TONGUE. Have you ever noticed that? Do you think other people notice it? do first-years call me the Weird Tongue Man? oh bother." - Sirius
  • "After all, with the world in its current lamentable state, I sincerely believe that rather than WASTING commas with the rest of my fat capitalist pig brothers on frivolous consumerist sentences like these, they should be donated to the more needy, such as the chinese, who as I understand it have NO COMMAS AT ALL." - Sirius
  • "In other news I have, of course, recognizing its pure theatrical genius, attempted to transcribe your version of Hamlet, having as much free time as you remind me often enough I do. I have managed only the following, embellished, of course, as is my right as editor.
"HAMLET (played by S. Black Esquire hi'self)
"To pee, or not to pee: that is the question
"Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer
"The pangs and narrows of a murd'rous bladder
"Or take arms against our dear McGoogles
"And by opposing -- detention! To die: to leave:
"No more; and by 'a leave' to say we end
"The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks
"This class is heir to, 'tis a bathroom break
"Devoutly to be wish'd. To die: to leave:
"To leave: perchance to pee: ay, there's the rub

"(And here you went off about how rubbing in school bathrooms was just wrong, especially if someone caught you, especially especially if you were not alone. For historical accuracy I make good mention.)" - Remus

  • "Do I rev your engine Moony? Eh EH do I? nudge nudge wink wink etc ad nauseaum." - Sirius

Parts 2-5

  • "What's that, Moony? I'm afraid I can't hear you through my trousers." - James
  • "Maturity being our middle name. Our collective middle name. Sirius and Remus Maturity Black-Lupin." - Sirius
  • "Professor McGonagall! You know, I thought this night couldn't get any more beautiful, and then you stepped round that corner." - Sirius
  • "Professor, if ever I seem distant in your class, I'm probably dreaming of our future life together: frolicking by the ocean in the sands of Tahiti, skiing hand-in-hand down the mighty Alps, feeding adorable orphans in the slums of Bombay—" - Sirius to McGonagall
  • Oh no, Professors," James protests. "We are in earnest!"

"We are so in earnest that it is very painful," Sirius agrees.
"Painfully earnest," James confirms. "In fact we'd best have off from classes Monday to recover."
"How painful, exactly, would you classify your earnestness?" Dumbledore inquires archly. "I ask merely to ascertain whether we should release you without charges or have you locked up for your own good."
"Painful enough to merit euthanasia?" McGonagall mutters, and the Headmaster treads serenely on her foot.

  • "It is one of Remus' irrational life long dreams to read Poe to his friends while they are actually paying attention."
  • "And for that I am profoundly grateful, Wormtail. When the revolution comes, you will not be eaten." - Sirius
  • "Orgy? I mean, er, password?" - The Fat Lady

Parts 6-9

  • "Peter wonders if love is always supposed to look like it's been smashed over the head with a History of Magic textbook. Probably not."
  • "It will be a great tragedy and I will write a novel about it, which will sell millions, and you will live on always in literature." - Remus
  • "You can't murder a book. Even I know that. But you know what you can do with a book, what you can do is burn it, or throw it out a window, or draw, mm, big hairy moustaches on all the ancient illustrations, and blacken the teeth of the women and children, and--"

"Oh God, don't. It's like talking about drowning babies. You are a terrible person." - Sirius and Remus

  • "...'and then Rowena did touch Helga Moste Tenderly in a place where No Manne had ever Beene.'" - Remus
  • "Alas for Sirius of the Great Heart and Very Great Manhood, whose spirit slipped off into the house of Hades in a library, when he was bored to death by legions of dead men with horrible whiskers." - Sirius
  • "You're using sarcasm as a weapon and I'm already injured." - Sirius
  • "And there were eyes. Lots of them. Everywhere. Eyes of God, eyes of retribution, eyes of Merlin, eyes of my Great Aunt Fanny." - Sirius
  • "I'm so glad you two came back from break. I've missed your incredible predictability." - Remus
  • "You stole my cake? I thought I ate it while I wasn’t paying attention." - Sirius
  • "Help me," James says. He clasps his hands together on the tabletop, kneeling across the way. "I don't even know what a Shelley or a Keats is."

The vein at Remus' temple twitches.
"They're ice cream flavours," Sirius says, and is pleased when Moony gives him a sharp, burning glare. "Chocolatey. Delicious."

  • "Where on earth is Prongs? I hope his body hasn't been dumped in a gutter."

"No, Lily wouldn't do that. She'd cover her tracks." - Sirius and Remus

  • "It's like— like being raped by a marshmallow, is what it's like." - James
  • "I spent hours teaching James Yeats, while Yeats spent hours rolling around in his grave." - Remus
  • "Do I detect a note of jealousy in your dulcet, harmonious whining?" - Sirius
  • "Don't know about you, Snivellus, but some of us have friends. We call them friends; they call us friends; it's a mutual relationship in which we are friendly. Very complicated." - Sirius
  • Who? What? Guard dog! Rrrrr. - Siriusdog
  • You. Me. Yoooouuuu. Meeeee. Harooun. - Jamestag

Parts 10-13

  • "Am I working with men or monkeys? I ask you for brave souls, daring recruits, friends who'll never give up the secret of the final dungbomb, and you send me the soft, the weak, the potato-fiends." - Sirius
  • "If looks could kill, the Slytherins would not only have murdered James and Sirius in singularly nasty and imaginative ways, but also defaced their bodies and danced in the remains."
  • "You're disgusting. You're pathetic. You smell like a diseased monkey. I'm going to kill you." - Sirius
  • "Have you ever thought...like, if you looked really close up at someone's skin, you could, like, see their molecules?" - Sirius
  • "[Lily] had lovely molecules." - James
  • "I am always fair. I am justice itself. Scales and well-draped sheet and blindfold and everything." - Sirius
  • "It's all witticisms until someone loses an eye." - Sirius
  • "Nooooo, you think it's babbling, because you think thoughts are for thinking."

"Of course. Thoughts are not for thinking. My God, your insight is blinding." - Sirius and Remus

  • "I like to remember everything. As it was. Because moments by themselves aren't enough; they're just -- they're like photographs. They move a little, they wave, but they aren't everything. You can look back on a moment and say 'In that moment I was happy' or, more often than not, 'In that moment I was uncomfortable' or 'In that moment I was sad' or 'In that moment we were all berks' but you can look back on everything and you think, 'That was good.' Because when all the moments come together, when all the songs meet up with one another, you get something whole and complete and wonderful, people you loved and people you hated and a fondness for them you may not be able to recapture but everything you remember about them being somehow more than they really were, because that's what remembering everything does. When I'm old, I think, I'll look back on this and I won't remember 'That time Sirius thought, if he lit a fart on fire, he could make a star come out of his arse' but I'll probably remember the stars themselves. I won't think 'He nearly choked me when he grabbed onto my tie' but I will think about the stupid doggy noises you're making, even right now, even while you're sleeping. It probably means remembering everything and not jumping from moment to moment like life is a game of leap-frog and should be taken experience to experience like lily-pads is foolish, because I won't remember you're often a berk and James is often a berk and Peter can be impressively inane and I am such a wet-blanket with such a large nose it's a miracle you don't hate me. I'll just remember that I talked for five minutes to a friend who was already sleeping and I was happy anyway. You're not going to remember any of this. Which is probably good since this, my friend, is definitely babble. I hate Gillyweed. It makes you think everything is profound when, in reality, you're talking to yourself and no one else can translate the language that is You." - Remus
  • "Well, you know, I've always fancied saving the world." - James
  • "I hear saving the world doesn't pay very well these days." - McGonagall
  • Aren't you going to slice my head open, look inside, discover the greatness within, nominate me as our future ruler of the universe? - James
  • "You can start a business based upon the fine art of toasting." - McGonagall to Peter
  • "I'm complimenting you, Mr. Lupin. Complimenting you, yes, and wondering why you spend your days and nights with Mr. Black, Mr. Potter, and Mr. Toast - Pettigrew. Pettigrew. Please, please, forget I said that." - McGonagall
  • "Do you know, Mr. Black, if you were not my student and as such lacking very much in the way of credibility and intimidation, I would be frightened for my life, as you are obviously unhinged?" - McGonagall
  • "I believe Cursebreaker is, surprisingly, well suited to your abilities. Quick thinking. Improvisation. The propensity for scraping by trouble though all evidence indicates this time it is your rear end about to be lit on fire. I think you have, inadvertently, made a fantastic choice. Not to mention, it takes you very far away from England." - McGonagall to Sirius
  • "I'm never going to have sex. Life no longer has any meaning. Neither do breasts. I'm becoming a nun. Do you want to help me research nunneries?"

"I am going to become a castrato and sing at the opera. Why, Prongs? Why, why, why?" - James and Sirius

  • "No. No urges. There are no urges." - Remus
  • "The air is filled with the uncanny sense of exclamation points!" - SBP

Parts 14-17

  • "You are dead to me. I am eating all your sandwiches, dead people don't need them." - James
  • "I am sorry I am burnt around the edges and soggy in the middle like these tomatoes." - Remus
  • "He hates being so full of hate that he repeats a hate in his mental list of things to hate." - SBP (Snape)
  • "It's just like he's part of the family. Except smaller and more enslaved." - Fabian and Gideon
  • "Good Lord, it's an invasion. They are everywhere. Like rabbits. And O! how tall they are, and strapping, and so on. Gone the carefree days of boyhood. Sunrise, sunset. We've just met a few of your comrades; you realize that your class is apparently completely off its collective nut?" - Fabian to Remus
  • "It lacks something. Subtlety, I think. The shredded remainders of our dignity. Anything." - James
  • "Ten points from Gryffindor for destroying my soul." - James
  • "I hope there is a gigantic monster with smelly feet in the corridor waiting for you. I hope you spend eternity between its toes." - Remus
  • "It was supposed to be them, all four of them, but looks, Remus thinks, like a very large pen vomited on a very large piece of parchment and was then tortured into spasms of despair and agony for a very long time." - SBP on Peter's Banner O' Doom
  • "Moooooony I wanted to thank you for the deliciously fantastic pepper vodka. I love the pepper vodka. I feel like I've found a soulmate. We're going to go have pepper vodka babies. Named Alexei. Sturginoff. Sturginoffski." - Sirius
  • "He is not asexual. He could tell Sirius a thing or two about nagging, persistent dreams and trying very, very hard in the shower to be asexual. But he is not asexual. His organs would very much like to disagree with that misinformed assessment." - SBP (Remus)
  • "Must you ruin all that is sacred?" - James to Remus
  • "I like the stuff with caramel in the center."

"Your chocolate is impure. But noted." - Sirius and Remus

Parts 18-21

  • "I've named them. The patch by the toilet, those are Humbert and Ophelia. The one that hangs just above the window, he's a feisty lad. I named him Jack. And the girl by the mirror -- the one with the pointy teeth -- she owns the key to my heart. I call her McGoogles." - Sirius on his mistletoe
  • "Childhood memories," Remus thinks, "are often very hideous, and have strange sequins and bobble-eyes glued on in unfortunate places." - SBP
  • This, Remus thinks, is the perfect picture of holiday cheer. James' eyes bugging out of his head, and abject horror in the round O of his mouth. All he needs are pointier ears, green hose and shoes with curled toes and he's the spitting image of a chipper elf, ready to bring socks, hand-knit sweaters and lumps of coal to all the bad little boys and girls at Christmastime. - SBP
  • "All right. Eggnog, then. Noggy eggs. Eggs that are somewhat nogged.

We will have food poisoning.
We will have egg noggining.
Pardons. We will be nogged by your eggs.
I've no idea what either of you are talking about." - Sirius, Remus and James

  • "You've been nogged. Chocolate-nogged. I can see it in your eyes. All right, Moony, stop…licking yourself. It's distracting." - Sirius
  • "A network of lies, that's what it is -- mass-production of fake snail toes, sold for ten times the cost to make them, and the rich get richer while the gullible poor make snail toe potions." - Sirius
  • "Where's the spontaneity? Where's the vision? Where's the tried and true history of it all -- I ask you, where are the explosions?"

"Potions go 'poof' sometimes."
"Isn't that like you. There's no boom. I like boom." - Sirius and Remus

  • "Oh, you and your Victorian constitution. I would say it is endearing but unfortunately it is highly disturbing and James and I make fun of it behind your back. And I won't lie to you: there it stands. You are what they call a freak. I figured I should be the one to tell you. It might hurt less. Seek help! Steal a Busty & Bewitched from under James' pillow! It's going to be all right in the end, I think, only you've got to work with us or else we can't win." - Sirius
  • "They cannot get into a fight, Remus reminds himself. They cannot get into a fight because if Sirius died, James would be very upset. It might even negatively affect his elaborate Valentine's Day plans, and then Remus would be Persona Non Grata in the Potter-Evans household forever and ever, and would never meet their adorable redheaded babies with enormous glasses and questionable diapers. They cannot get into a fight because Remus does not get into fights; Remus does not get into fights because the idea of fights makes his stomach gymnastic; Remus does not get into fights because he does not have the constitution; though sometimes adrenaline takes over and he forgets that. That's what worries him. But they cannot get into a fight, Remus reminds himself. He has ink up his nose, his heart is beating too fast, the moon somewhere beyond the sky is pulling at his joints, and they cannot get into a fight. They can't even have a bit of a row. They can't even have words. What Remus must do is Bugger Off and Go Practice His Vegetarianism Or Whatever It Is He Does -- more along the lines of Sneeze Out Ink For A Month, perhaps -- because they cannot get into a fight. In all their years -- even when Sirius flushed all of Remus' underthings down the toilet, even when Sirius told Snape about everything he'd promised never to tell anyone about, even when Sirius was at his most miserable and therefore at his most insufferable -- they have not gotten into a fight. It's been an unspoken rule, an accepted constant of life. Remus Lupin does not get into fights. Other people get into fights. Remus Lupin is a no-fight zone. Remus Lupin is neutral ground. Remus Lupin is Switzerland. Remus Lupin buggers off."

"Except Remus Lupin feels suddenly the explosive, maddening pressure of reversion, of turning back in on himself, of crumpling like a wrapper, of being kissed and doing nothing, of watching a thousand and one fights between James and Sirius and seeing them be all right because of it and resenting how easy it is for them to do anything, everything. Fight. Kiss. It is easy for other people to fight. Even in this moment, with his stomach doing handstands and triple backflips and upside-down splits, Remus Lupin wants to fight about not being able to fight." -SBP

  • "I got you a valentine," says James. "I'm trusting you to tell me if it's revolting. I need guidance. I need to be trained." - James
  • "Don't say anything. I'm sorry. They're awful, aren't they. You don't even wear earrings. It's worse than that place we went on that awful date, with the cherub rapists. Oh God, it's not my fault." - James to Lily
  • "What a pair we'll make. Their Supreme Majesties, King Hearthrug and his consort, Lady Linen Closet--"

"I don't see why I should be the consort. You have more consort-y hair. You're practically Lady Godiva." - Sirius and Remus

  • "Sand, sand, sand. It is glorious. It is prickly and invasive. Like freedom." - Sirius
  • "I've decided that after I graduate I'm going to be a pirate. I'm going to buckle a thousand swashes a day while the rest of you are, I don't know, crying in the lavatory during your lunches. If you can rescue James from the jellyfish, Remus, I'll let you come along with me." - Sirius
  • There is a certain haze that surrounds a teacher out of context, a kind of surreal blur, compounded in this case by a) the sun, which seems to bleach all the reality out of everything; b) her red-and-gold swimming costume, which seems to include some kind of corset and apparently dates from 1896; and c) the young, extraordinarily handsome man lounging by McGonagall's side in royal-blue swimming trunks and whispering into her ear. - SBP

However, McGonagall is far better versed than they are in matters requiring composure, maturity, and being slick. She smoothes the hair at her left temple idly, giving them all a long, measured look. It says, quite clearly, Now I have seen you all in the equivalent of your underwear. You are lucky there is so little time left between us as professor and student. It's going to be hell. It doesn't seem to mention that now they've seen her in the equivalent of her underwear, probably because it's a far more pleasant sight. - SBP

  • "It is pathetic. He is pathetic. And then Lily climbs up over him and her hair is all dangly in his face, and she breathes warmly around his ear region and her fingers start doing things to his scalp and all of a sudden his entire brain is sort of going nghhhhashhfaaagkhl?! and word-inversion starts to look pretty witty." - SBP (James)"
  • "It was terrible. It was awful. I was awful. She was awful. We were awful. It was the most awful thing I've ever kept doing of my own free will. And do you remember that time, with the toaster? It was like that only a hundred times worse and a hundred times longer and less burning and more squeezing. Sirius, it was spectacularly bad." - James on his First Time
  • "There's coves. Buried treasure, and that. I don't know. Treasure! Moony -- am I eight forever?"

"In every way that counts." - Sirius and Remus

  • "I am going to call you Flamingo Tongue Cowrie. Agent Flamingo Tongue Cowrie. And I shall be Agent Nudie Pants." - Remus and Sirius
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